Divorce Terminology: The Words Nobody Stopped to Explain

You are probably here because somebody used a word and kept going. In a first meeting, in a letter from a plan administrator, on a school form, in a sentence that clearly mattered. Asking would have meant admitting you did not know, and the moment passed.

This is divorce terminology in plain English, grouped by where you actually run into each term rather than alphabetically. Think of it as divorce terms explained in the order they arrive, rather than in the order the alphabet puts them. Every entry says what the word means, where it usually turns up, and which authority defines it.

One distinction runs through the whole list and is worth having before you start: some of these terms are set by federal law and mean the same thing everywhere, and some are set by your state and mean different things in different places. Each entry says which. Nothing here is legal or tax advice, and for anything state-defined the only reliable answer comes from somebody licensed where you live.

Divorce terminology on the paperwork

Decree, judgment, order. The court's decision, in writing. A decree ends the marriage and sets out what each person is required to do. It is also the cheapest place to restore a former name, which costs far more as a separate petition later. Where you meet it: at the end, and then repeatedly, because almost every later question is answered by rereading it. Set by: your state's courts.

Marital property and separate property. The division between what belongs to the marriage and what belongs to one person alone. Where you meet it: the first meeting with a lawyer, usually within ten minutes. Set by: your state, and the rules genuinely differ from one to the next. What counts as separate in one place may not in another, so a rule you read about elsewhere tells you nothing about your own position. This is the term people most often assume is universal, and it is not.

Legal custody and physical custody. Two different things that sound like one. Legal custody is decision-making authority over health care, schooling and religion. Physical custody is where the child actually is. Where you meet it: any parenting document. Set by: your state. A parent can hold very little physical custody and a full share of legal custody, which is why medical decisions do not follow the schedule.

Parenting plan. The written document setting out both of the above plus the schedule. California's court self-help guidance, quoted here as one state's description rather than as a national rule, describes it as covering "how you will make important decisions for your child, such as health care and education (called legal custody)", along with "who your children live with most of the time (called physical custody), and how your child spends time with each parent (called visitation or parenting time)". Where you meet it: mediation, or a lawyer's first draft.

Trial separation, legal separation, divorce. Three different things sharing a word. A trial separation is an informal arrangement with no legal status of its own. A legal separation is a court status with orders attached. A divorce ends the marriage. Where you meet it: in conversation, where two people routinely mean different ones. The practical differences are in trial separation rules.

Money and property

Adjusted basis. What an asset counts as having cost you, for tax purposes. It matters because when property moves between spouses in a divorce, the basis moves with it. 26 U.S.C. 1041 provides that "the basis of the transferee in the property shall be the adjusted basis of the transferor." Where you meet it: dividing investments, where two accounts of the same size are not the same offer. Set by: federal law.

Transfer incident to divorce. A transfer of property that counts as part of the divorce and therefore triggers no tax when it happens. The same section sets the timing: a transfer qualifies if it "occurs within 1 year after the date on which the marriage ceases" or "is related to the cessation of the marriage." Where you meet it: any settlement moving assets between you, and it has edges worth knowing about: with stock options and other equity compensation, the transfer is untaxed but the income tax moves to the person receiving them.

Alimony, spousal support, separate maintenance. Different words for payments from one former spouse to the other. Where you meet it: negotiation, and then every April. Set by: your state for whether and how much, federal law for the tax treatment, which turns entirely on the date the agreement was executed as set out in is alimony taxable. IRS Topic 452 also draws a line people miss: "Child support is never deductible and isn't considered income." Unpaid support becomes arrears, which has machinery and deadlines of its own, and where a parent is self-employed the underlying income figure is its own argument. Changing the amount later is a third track, and it only works forward. Once the parents live in different states, which state can do what becomes the first question rather than a detail.

Joint account holder, cosigner, authorized user. Three positions with three different exposures on the same card. The CFPB states the first plainly: "When you have a joint account, each account holder is responsible for the full amount of the balance." Where you meet it: on a credit report, usually after assuming you were an authorized user. Which one you are takes one phone call to establish, and it decides who owes what.

Home sale exclusion. The amount of gain you can leave out of your income when selling a main home. IRS Publication 523 sets it out: "you may exclude the first $250,000 of gain from the sale of your home from your income", or "$500,000 for a married couple filing jointly." Where you meet it: deciding what to do with the house, where filing status and timing change the number.

Retirement and survivor benefits

QDRO. A qualified domestic relations order: a separate court order telling a workplace retirement plan to pay part of one person's benefits to somebody else. A decree alone does not move the money. Where you meet it: a lawyer mentions it once and assumes you know. What federal law requires it to contain is in what is a QDRO, from 29 U.S.C. 1056. Set by: federal law.

Alternate payee. The person a QDRO directs the plan to pay, which in a divorce is usually the former spouse. Where you meet it: inside the order itself, describing you in the third person. The statute requires an order to specify "the amount or percentage of the participant's benefits to be paid by the plan to each such alternate payee, or the manner in which such amount or percentage is to be determined".

Participant. The person whose job the retirement plan belongs to, and the other half of the pair above.

Qualified preretirement survivor annuity. What a covered plan must pay a surviving spouse if the participant dies before retirement. It matters after a divorce because remarrying can create one for somebody new. 29 U.S.C. 1055 requires that "a qualified preretirement survivor annuity shall be provided to the surviving spouse of such participant", and waiving it requires that "the spouse of the participant consents in writing to such election". Where you meet it: in plan paperwork, or not at all until it is too late.

The plan documents rule. The reason a plan pays whoever the beneficiary form names, whatever your decree says. 29 U.S.C. 1104 requires a plan fiduciary to act "in accordance with the documents and instruments governing the plan insofar as such documents and instruments are consistent with the provisions of this subchapter and subchapter III." Where you meet it: ideally while updating your beneficiary designations, because the alternative is that nobody meets it until you have died.

ERISA preemption. Why state laws that revoke a former spouse's beneficiary status may not reach a workplace plan. 29 U.S.C. 1144 provides that federal law "shall supersede any and all State laws insofar as they may now or hereafter relate to any employee benefit plan described in section 1003(a) of this title and not exempt under section 1003(b) of this title." Where you meet it: in an argument about whether the form needed changing. It did.

Divorced spouse benefit. A Social Security benefit claimed on a former spouse's record. 20 CFR 404.331 requires that "You were married to the insured for at least 10 years immediately before your divorce became final", and separately that "You are not married." Where you meet it: usually too late to do anything about the ten years, which is why it appears in divorce after 50.

Surviving divorced spouse. The version claimed after a former spouse has died, and the one with an age line in it. 20 CFR 404.336 permits a claim where "You remarried after you became 60 years old." Where you meet it: rarely, and it is one of the things worth checking before a remarriage.

Survivor Benefit Plan. The military version, with a different age line again. 10 U.S.C. 1450 provides that an annuity is paid to a former spouse until they remarry "if the surviving spouse or former spouse remarries before reaching age 55". Where you meet it: only in a military divorce, alongside the three numbers that govern retired pay, and it belongs with a lawyer who does these specifically.

Children

Custodial parent. A term with two different meanings, which is exactly why it causes trouble. In your parenting order it means what your state says. For the child and dependent care credit it is defined by nights: IRS Publication 503 states that "The custodial parent is the parent with whom the child lived for the greater number of nights in 2025." Where you meet it: in two documents that do not agree with each other, as set out in summer camp after a divorce.

Head of household. A filing status with a larger standard deduction and wider brackets than single, available to an unmarried parent who paid more than half the cost of a home where a child lived for more than half the year. IRS Publication 504 also treats some still-married people as unmarried for this purpose if they "meet all of the following tests", including that "Your spouse didn't live in your home during the last 6 months of the tax year". Where you meet it: the first tax return after a separation, often before the decree, as set out in head of household after divorce. Set by: federal law.

Releasing the dependency claim. Allowing the other parent to claim a child as a dependent. It does not carry everything with it. What moves and what stays is set out in who claims the child on taxes. Publication 503 is explicit that "The noncustodial parent can't treat the child as a qualifying person even if that parent is entitled to claim the child as a dependent under the special rules for a child of divorced or separated parents." Where you meet it: in a settlement clause that sounds tidier than it turns out to be.

Home state. Which state a child counts as belonging to for custody purposes, and a term people half-remember as a rule about moving. 28 U.S.C. 1738A defines it as one that "means the State in which, immediately preceding the time involved, the child lived with his parents, a parent, or a person acting as parent, for at least six consecutive months." Where you meet it: whenever a move is discussed, usually alongside the mistaken belief that six months in a new place transfers the case, which is taken apart in moving out of state with a child. Set by: federal law, with a state-level counterpart in each state's version of the UCCJEA.

FERPA rights of parents. Why a school generally has to deal with both parents. Under 34 CFR 99.4, "An educational agency or institution shall give full rights under the Act to either parent, unless the agency or institution has been provided with evidence that there is a court order, State statute, or legally binding document relating to such matters as divorce, separation, or custody that specifically revokes these rights." Where you meet it: at a front desk, being told something incorrect, as covered in back to school.

Personal representative. The HIPAA term for whoever may act for a patient, which for a child is usually a parent. 45 CFR 164.502 makes it conditional: "If under applicable law a parent, guardian, or other person acting in loco parentis has authority to act on behalf of an individual who is an unemancipated minor in making decisions related to health care, a covered entity must treat such person as a personal representative under this subchapter". Where you meet it: trying to get records, where the thing that actually helps is your custody order rather than the word HIPAA.

Passport execution for a minor. Why one parent usually cannot obtain a child's passport alone. 22 CFR 51.28 requires that "both parents or each of the minor's legal guardians, if any, whether applying for a passport for the first time or for a renewal, must execute the application on behalf of a minor under age 16". Where you meet it: eight weeks before a trip, as covered in the holiday custody schedule.

Insurance and health

Qualifying event. The thing that opens a right to continue or change coverage. Divorce is one. 29 U.S.C. 1163 lists "The divorce or legal separation of the covered employee from the employee's spouse." Where you meet it: in a benefits letter with a deadline in it, explained in health insurance after a divorce.

Special Enrollment Period. The window to buy Marketplace coverage outside the usual annual one. HealthCare.gov qualifies people who "Got divorced or legally separated and lost health insurance". Where you meet it: in the same letter, and it is one of the few genuinely urgent items in a separation.

Advance directive and health care proxy. Documents naming who decides for you when you cannot, and what you want. Hospitals participating in Medicare are required by 42 U.S.C. 1395cc to "document in a prominent part of the individual's current medical record whether or not the individual has executed an advance directive". Where you meet it: at admission, which is the worst possible moment to be thinking about it. The forms are state specific, and the difference between this and an emergency contact is that one decides and one gets a phone call.

Beneficiary designation. The form saying who receives an account when you die. Not changed by any decree, and separate from a QDRO, which divides an account while you are alive. Where you meet it: ideally on the list of things you handle in the first year, which the planner keeps in one place.

Which divorce terminology depends on your state

Worth separating, because it decides whether an answer you read anywhere is any use to you.

Set by federal law, the same everywhere	Set by your state, varies
QDRO requirements, alternate payee, survivor annuities, the plan documents rule, ERISA preemption	Marital versus separate property
Social Security divorced and surviving divorced spouse rules	Legal and physical custody, and how they are decided
Tax treatment of transfers, alimony, and the care credit	Whether and how much spousal support
FERPA parent rights, HIPAA personal representative, passport execution	Child support formulas
COBRA qualifying events and Marketplace enrollment windows	Advance directive and proxy forms

The right-hand column is where general advice is worth the least. When somebody online tells you what your rights are in that column, they are describing one of fifty possible answers.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a QDRO in simple terms?

A separate court order telling a workplace retirement plan to pay part of one person's benefits to somebody else, usually a former spouse. A divorce decree alone does not move the money, because federal law generally bars these plans from paying anyone other than the participant. The order is the narrow exception, and it has to meet statutory requirements before a plan will act on it.

What does alternate payee mean?

The person a qualified domestic relations order directs the plan to pay, which after a divorce is usually the former spouse. The order has to name them and set out the amount or percentage they receive, or the method for working it out. The employee whose plan it is gets called the participant.

What is marital property?

Broadly, what belongs to the marriage rather than to one person alone, and it is defined by your state rather than by any national rule. States differ on what counts, on how it is divided, and on how property owned before the marriage is treated. It is the term where reading about another state's rules is most likely to mislead you.

What does custodial parent mean for taxes?

For the child and dependent care credit it means the parent the child spent the greater number of nights with, which is not necessarily what your parenting order calls custodial. The noncustodial parent cannot claim that particular credit even when entitled to claim the child as a dependent, so the two documents can point in different directions.

Why do these terms mean different things in different places?

Because divorce itself is governed by state law while benefits, retirement plans and tax are largely federal. Anything about a workplace plan, Social Security, or a tax return tends to mean the same thing everywhere. Anything about property, custody or support is defined where you live.

Where can I check a term that is not on this list?

Ask whoever used it, which is the fastest route and the one people skip. Asking a lawyer or a plan administrator what a word means in your own document costs nothing and is a normal question. Divorce terminology is only intimidating while it is unexplained, and nobody in that room expects you to have arrived fluent.